The Thoughts of a Padawan Learner
by British Child
Summary: {COMPLETED} Watch the world through a Padawan's eyes as he grows into a mighty Sith Lord. Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader, and the choices he makes along the way are crucial in the future. Anakin-Vader's POV.
1. What Life Holds

_The Thoughts of a Padawan Learner_

_What Life Holds_

**_Category: _**_Star Wars_

**_Genre: _**_Sci-Fi/Angst_

**_Rating: _**_PG_

**_Characters: _**_Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Padmé Amidala, Shmi Skywalker, Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa/Skywalker, Darth Sidius_

**_Summary: _**_Watch the world through a Padawan's eyes as he grows into a mighty Sith Lord. Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader, and the choices he makes along the way are crucial in the future. Anakin-Vader's POV._

**_Disclaimer: _**_No rights to the Star Wars characters or films. My last name is not Lucas._

_(A/N: Thanks to my friend, she convinced me to write a 'Star Wars' fic, after us both becoming inspired by the films. It's an amazing story; I kick myself silly not watching it before. Anyway, this is based on Anakin's thoughts during the second movie 'Attack of the Clones', so it is in his POV. He's one of my favourite characters, as all the Jedi are, especially Obi-Wan. :: smile ::.  
  
Sadly, I do not own rights to the Star Wars characters or plotline...unfortunately, lol. Again, I will give thanks for every reviewer, if I decide to write a new chapter, or in a list at the end. Enjoy!)_

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It isn't fair. How life begins...how it goes on, and the way it ends.

It all seems like a dream to me now. Where I am today, how I got here from the beginning. There are so many new experiences to take in…so many new paths to take, that I forget which way I'm supposed to go sometimes. Though everyone, often including myself, keeps reminding me that I know only one way...one way only, and I should take it.

Then why do I stray from it so?

Since childhood I have been looked down on, cast away into workmanship and labour. A lost, lonely... _poor_ slave, who only knew the way to freedom was to constantly look towards it, and not give up no matter what. To always keep your distance ahead of you, and never look back.

Never look back...

That's what Mom said...it's what…she always said. Mom was so clever about anything to do with the outside world. She kept telling me she had faith in me, and wouldn't let me quit at anything I started on, not even what I'm doing now. I knew her trust was strong...she was so strong altogether.

Then why did she have to die?! I was there for her, I could have helped! She was so strong…she would have made it if it wasn't for me! I kept trying…kept trying to leave every now and again. I thought it would have been the right thing, but I never left. There was something stopping me, though I didn't know what. This is my destiny...my dream. That must have been it. I had wanted this all my life, so why give it up now?

I always had warnings...warnings in my own dreams. Nightmares. But I still didn't listen. I know now that it was foolish not to. Mom died because I was too content on staying where I was. I thought they were only dreams...and nothing else.

I knew the way out would be to fix all the problems, and I fixed so many things...sometimes hardly even important things, really.

I've always been good at fixing things. Always have.

But I'll never bring Mom back like I have done to a million droids. I can't reboot her system, or wire up her malfunctions. Because Mom's not a robot. She doesn't have drive matter, or micros, or anything else that machines need to work! She can _never_ be fixed that way! NEVER! _I_ was the only cure for her sake, and I stayed away from her. Even when I was there I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do for her...I let her die.

Jedis _always_ know what to do.

But I _am_ a Jedi. I _am._ And someday I will be the most powerful ever. Ever since I left Tatooine, I promised myself I would be the best. I would prove better than any Knight that has ever felt or even withheld the Force. I told so many of my friends that I wouldn't let them down, that I would look up to be a hero in their eyes, that I would help them...free them from their slavery and punishment that most of them had.

_I won't fail you._

_I will come back and free you, Mom. I promise._

So many promises. So many _broken_ promises. I failed Mom. I failed my friends. I look back on my life now and wonder how I ever felt so confident that I would be able to do all that. I thought that it could be possible if I were a Jedi. They can do _anything._

I was wrong in a way.

But this time, I have promised again. I've promised Padmé that I'll do her proud, that I'll follow my instincts now and become the influential Jedi that I've always wanted to be. I feel that she doesn't admire me...because of who I am. I want her to be impressed. I want her to have _everything._ I hate the way that sometimes she looks down on me as nothing more than a child.

It always reminds me of our first meeting on Tatooine. She was an angel...I was so sure. The light seemed to hit her in all the right places. An angel...she just seemed so perfect. Though I was only nine, I knew I'd encountered love. And I wanted her so much within.

_You're a funny little boy…_ she said to me then.

I had suddenly felt so small...so far away from her reach. As if she were out of my grasp.

_Little boy…_

I am _not_...a little boy. I'm a Jedi...a Jedi Knight. Can't she see that I'm not that tiny slave anymore?! Can't she see that I'm grown, and the power has grown with me?! I'm stronger now, and I can help her so much, if only she could see.

If only everyone could see.

Obi-Wan. He never listens to anything I say. Worse, he makes me feel younger by his words...his teaching methods. He makes being a Jedi so aggravating, he brings all the more upon me every day! He says I'm arrogant, he causes this rage on me.

And I can't _show_ it because Jedis are forbidden to know ANGER! Or LOVE! Or HATE!

He doesn't make me show my true feelings at all! And I want to…

The countless number of times he calls me his learner, his Padawan, causes me to feel as if I already still have a long way to go. Even when he praises me it's the same. It's as if he's reminding me of where I stand, putting me in my place so tightly I can't breathe.

One day I'll tell him all this. I would, only I think he suspects me of already showing it. Which just makes him to proceed further, driving more and more fury into me to become the greatest.

I thought all of this would be easy, but I never dreamed of Obi-Wan's encounters.

_Yes, Master… _

_No, Master... _

_I try, Master... _

I finally get to where I want to be and yet I still feel like a slave.

It isn't fair.

He never tells me his dreams, nor does Padmé. It feels as if I'm the only one who has them anymore. Like the one I've been having for some time now. I'm in a podracer, and I'm flying towards the stars, leaving the racing grounds far below. I'm nine years old again, and forgetting all about winning, about beating all of the other opponents.

As I fly higher, I age ten years steadily. I look to my right, and Padmé is sitting beside me, smiling...beautiful as ever. I smile back. We're heading further away together, a new life. I can hear Obi-Wan shouting to me from below, calling for me to turn.

_"Anakin! Come back! Don't go there! Come back! No...ANAKIN!"_

I ignore him. I block out his words and continue flying higher, higher towards the sky. I see a moon before me, a huge grey moon, almost forming the shape of an uncharted planet, with a smaller circle based in the middle, and hundreds of ships flying all around. I look down, and my podracer is now a speeder, faster than ever.

The right side begins to shudder and rock. I hear Padm's urgent screams and cries as her hold gives way on the speeder. The seat tears away from a malfunction, her gasps fold in with her screams. She gazes at me, her eyes full of terror. She holds out her arm, reaching for me…

_"Ani! ANI! Help! ANI - SAVE ME!" _

**_"PADMÉ!"_** I grasp her tightly as I take my hand off the controls, clutching her with all my strength. I won't let her go, I _won't._ I _love_ her, she can't die this way. I can't lose her like I lost Mom, I won't let it happen.

I lean over to her horror-struck face. I kiss her hand.

_"I won't let you go, Padmé! I LOVE YOU! **I WON'T LET YOU GO!"**_

But I do.

Her screams ring out in the night. Even with my tightest hold on her she still falls. No matter how hard I try, I lose her. It's as if I were meant to lose her in my dreams.

It isn't fair.

A startling night hangs out in the stars. A letter 'L'. I don't understand how this came to be. Just as I fly ever further towards it, it splits in two...making two 'L's. They separate, floating apart from each other, before they complete an orbit and collide together again, causing an explosion.

It knocks me off balance. I shudder from the impact, my breathing suddenly steady and menacing. It repeats this way until the end of my dream. Then...I see Obi-Wan's face. A blue light is shining upon it, the light of his lightsabre. He puts it out as a red one comes his way.

He smiles. Then he falls. He looks so much older.

I don't call out for him like I did Padmé. I remember always thinking… _Master! _ but it doesn't touch my lips. I don't say a word. Then everything goes black, and my sinister breathing remains.

So many dreams, so many paths. And so many things I don't know, but I want to.

I want to...

Padmé, Mom, Obi-Wan. They all come to me in nightmares, but they're all dead. Dead… There are times I think I've killed them. Like I did to those Tusken Raiders the night of Mom's death. I feel as if so many people are placing their life in my hands, and I throw it away like it's nothing.

Often I feel as if I'm shadowed, and should somehow escape.

It isn't fair.

One day I'll show them they're only dreams. I'll show them that I _can_ be a Jedi, that I was meant to be one...that I _will _be the most powerful one day.

One day. They'll see. I'll show them. I'll show them all.

I _will_ be. I promise.

**_{To be continued}_**

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_(A/N: Again, I appreciate feedback and reviews, as this was something a little out of my boundaries than what I ordinarily write. I don't know about continuing this, it seemed like a good enough ending, but I don't know. If so, I'll make a list of thanks to those who gave me their views.)_


	2. The Face of a Shadow

_The Face of a Shadow_

_(A/N: How do you people do this to me: smile : Generally from the beginning, I was going to leave 'The Thoughts of a Padawan Learner' as a one chapter, and received so many reviews wanting me to continue with it! So...this is your fault. Yes...all of **you.** You know who you are, lol. No, joking really...the feedback was excellent and caused me to carry on. I thank you. _

Oh, just another warning...now this is from the views of Darth Vader. Alas! Unfortunately, our poor, suffering teenage Anakin Skywalker has slipped to the Dark Side. This could be interesting.)

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Life...as I once knew is now fair to me.

All of the confusion, all of the impatience, all of the ready in waiting is now vanquished. Destroyed in a lifetime. I go back to my earlier thoughts as a darkness waiting to be unfolded, not for a symbol to shine.

I do shine. In only a different way.

Everything seems so much easier now. All of my questions, all of my dreams have been answered. I thought they were only nightmares, long ago...but now I know the truth. They were beholding my future...only my future had nightmarish consequences. So I saw them as only dreams then.

That was when I was young. When I was so...naïve, as one might call it. I had no idea what my own choices could lead me to, that if I backfired against my chosen path it would bring me to victory. Victory…and power.

Power...what a magnificent word. It is what I wanted all my life, what I intended to do with it though, would be a subject matter. My past is left behind me. My choices, decisions taken. And this is where they brought me.

A new power. A new energy, life, a new appearance, voice…a new _me._

A better me.

Everything has changed. Changed indeed, but with extraordinary and pleasing changes if not that. I have taken on a new manner, a marvellous transformation in body and mind, even though it frightens others than what it used to be. But that was long ago.

Even my new name causes them to tremble within at the very mention of it. Darth Vader. It sounds so powerful. So powerful and strong, with so much more darkness to it than the fabled Anakin Skywalker. My dreaded slave name.

Besides, I want them to be frightened. I want them to fear me, they deserve to be afraid.

They deserve to be terrified for themselves. But often I think of them as cowards. My own life has been nothing but living in fear, horrific happenings in my times and the suffering I had to endure. My very dreams were tormenting my soul, and bringing me here.

To the Dark Side. Where I belong. Where I was meant to be from the beginning.

I only thank myself, and of course Sidius. The one who showed me the light out of the darkness, and brought down the door of insanity and pain...to show me the way. My one true leader, even as I may say, for it never brings me any guilt or pain in its meaning...

My one true Master. Unlike Obi-Wan.

He and I have moved apart, separated...gone our own ways. I know he has beckoned me to return during the years that he has kept his dignity. Well, I have my own too, Obi-Wan. And I will not use it to come back to your discussion ways, where you never let me speak...give my own ideas. You never let me breathe...often it felt as if I never lived.

I have never forgotten anything he has ever said to me, about how listening to him would gain me the ultimate power. The ultimate Force. Yes…the Force has been grateful to me too. It has become stronger in my will of mind, has gained me so much more than I would have done over time.

It has always been stronger in the Dark Side. Everyone knows that.

And I have used that power so many times for my own liking. I have used it for glory, for receiving my own demands, I must also add...and lastly, I have used it for murder. For destroying others.

Obi-Wan. I killed him today.

He gave in too easily. Age has become caught up on him and brought him to his doom. He looked that of similar to my teenage nightmare. My own lightsabre brought him down. My red weapon. Red for blood, for anger control. Except...a strange feeling inside of me lingers that it was of his own doing. That he wanted me to be rid of him, that it was for some sort of demonstration.

Demonstration. Imagine it, the very idea of his teaching methods.

It was witnessed. Witnessed by hundreds, maybe even thousands of eyes were watching it, not all in the same room...I felt as if the whole world were watching me as I brought him down, dragged him down to the pitiful end that he chose to succumb to.

Luke saw it. Luke Skywalker.

My son.

I understood my dream years ago. The meaning of the 'L' shapes. I was given children, I knew they would always be Padm's, but they were mine too. _Mine._ Twins, as it seemed. A boy and girl.

I had no restriction to the names, they appeared on the air. Luke and Leia. They seemed to fit.

I never compared them to my dream...until today. They have separated over the years, not in an identical way to Obi-Wan and I, but they have. And I suspect they will find one another again someday. But I do not fear it.

Poor Luke…he is so confused now. He reminds me of myself in a way when I was young. He believes his family are destroyed, though he does not see the truth.

Leia and I are still left. But it all remains in the future. He still needs to understand.

I know that we can all be a family here, and not cause our rivalries to stand in our way. Just imagine it...the three of us now, since Padmé went. Padmé...I miss her still. I loved her so much, but she was also taken from me. I knew that if she were still here, she would also want us to be together. The three of us, controlling. We all belong in the Dark Side, we all deserve to be powerful.

It's what their mother would have wanted. It's what _I_ want too.

Now I see that Luke is taken with anger…anger for me. Soon it will grow into hate.

I will see my advantage and tell him the truth in time. Who I am to him, where he belongs. Where Leia belongs. Where we _all_ belong.

He is breaking the balance between the right and wrong, the good and evil. Soon, I will help him slip into the correct direction, the one that brings him here. His emotions are strong, but they can be taken over. The Shadow will possess him, bring him to me.

Leia will understand too, all in good time.

So many paths for him...they were so many paths for me when I was like him. But I chose the right one, and so should he. It is put out before him, he must see the way.

All of my dreams where explaining what held before me, though I did not notice.

Now I do. Someday, Luke...and even Leia will have their own dreams of what waits before them. And soon, I will gain my ultimate dream. To become the greatest Jedi ever, only darker.

I believe...I already am.

**_To be concluded_**

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_(A/N: O.K, this was not as difficult as I thought it would be...which kind of scares me a little, lol. It was also a bit shorter than before. I hope this continues the other chapter well, and that it hasn't rushed too much into everything. Please review and tell me what you think of the transformed Anakin, and if I should conclude this with a final chapter, of where he returns to Good. I had that in mind, but I would appreciate feedback also for support. I promise to thank you...yes I do...lol. Thanks!)_


	3. A Mask Uncovered

_A Mask Uncovered_

_(A/N: This is the final chapter of this forgotten story. : hides in shame : I'm so sorry, the last update was in May and it's been waiting for the end. I've finally decided to write it up, and then I'll have another completed fic! (My second one). _

Also, there was another little pointer about Vader knowing of his daughter, which I got off a number of people. What basically happened in chapter 2 is 'instinct'. I always thought that somehow Vader knew he had another child, and was just following his thoughts. I'm sorry if this didn't reach out in the last chapter. I hope you like the conclusion!)

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It is over. It is finishing.

The battle, the war, the suffering.

It is all over.

I made an important decision today, one to end it all. It was all too much, too terrifying to explain. My heart could not take any more pain, any more madness. I had seen too much in my life to remember for a lifetime, and I thought that because I had seen all this I would be able to witness upon the greatest pain of them all.

But it was not so.

I had been through it all. The death of my loved ones, the pain of sacrifices, the viewing of another one crumbling before my feet. All of the glory was spent; it was all a sham and a greed behind closed doors. Behind my own eyes.

I had to do it. I had to do what I did.

I found that I could no longer stand by and watch what would become.

I had seen the death of my mother. I had heard the news of my wife.

But I was not going to watch my son die too.

It was all too much. Something just stirred inside of me as I stared down at him then, the most powerful source of pain did come that I never dreamed more possible. I thought that I had escaped it all, that I was free.

My Master was the enemy this time; I had always felt that Luke was that, as I had been told. But as I saw him today, prepared for any pain that came his way just because he would not succumb to the Dark Side, I finally realised who the real hero was.

And it was not Sidius.

I did what I had to do. I did what I felt I should do. I followed love a second time.

It was for everything that I killed my Master. It was for all of the suffering and terrible tragedies I had seen, and what would befall in the end. I knew of my children, what a life this world would lead for them if I stood by and watched them fall.

I would have been broken again.

I could not let them live in the world that Sidius had described to me. As I thought it over I tried to imagine Luke and Leia coping with all of that, the Dark Children by my side.

And I felt sick within.

They deserve so much, they could grow into families of their own, and only my Master and I were in their way. I knew that the effort would end my own life, but I just wanted them to be happy, and prosperous in their own future.

That is why I sacrifice myself for Luke now, as I lie here tonight.

He loved me all along, just not in the way I believed him to.

I think back to all of the ones I have failed as Luke stares at me like this. Obi-Wan, and Padmé, and my mother. Everyone has fallen because of the choices I made. This time, my choices will pick them back up again and start something new.

Something _promising._

The one thing I told my son to do was to uncover my face, lift it from this infernal covering. I knew my face had changed from what it was, I could picture the look upon his face, but I was happy only to see it not from behind a mask.

A mask of lies, and hate. I felt free as soon as it left me. And my anger went too.

At last.

It had destroyed so much of me, and I finally knew that in my last minutes of breath. There I times now I feel as if I could go back and apologise to Obi-Wan, my real Master. I will join him hereafter, if he will have it to look upon me again, and forgive me for what I have done in the past.

I hear his promise calling already.

My words and actions were foolish, I believe that. If I could hear back on what I have said back then, I probably would have felt empty inside.

It was not really me. _This_ is the real me.

And I am _free._

I hope to see my mother again. She said all those years ago that we would be together after so long a time, and I finally feel as if that will happen. Padmé will be waiting, and so will Obi-Wan. I just hope that they can pardon my crimes.

Even so, I believe it in my heart of a Jedi. _A Jedi Knight._ Not a Sith Lord.

I feel that many are Jedi's of heart, even the most ordinary people.

It happened to me.

Finally I am free. Free from the slavery, free from the pain, and free from the suffering. It is over at last, the battle is won. I have had my serve to thank from it. I have much to thank in my life. For in my heart, I know I am heading for a better life.

Because I am free. I'm coming home, Mom.

I'm coming home.

**_END_**

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_(A/N: It's done. It's done! Aren't you happy with me? I hope this was all right for the ending and I hope that others find it suitable. My first Star Wars fanfic! I'll have to remember this. Thanks!)_


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